mental health

Fear is a wicked mistress

I’m preparing to run 10k, I’ve only just started running 5ks but you know why not try for 10.  I know I’ll be able to achieve 10 its just a matter of how long it will take me to get it done.  Rather than still be walking after 3 hours, I’ve decided to try and get some practice in strengthen muscles build stamina etc.   Part of my preparation is running 5km each Tuesday during my lunch break.  Today was that day.  Except unlike the other times I’ve been exercising lately today I got a stitch.

Painful yes but quite harmless, you’d think.   I was jogging along trying to push through it but it really was excruciating and ‘pushing’ through it was only making it worse.  Then it got to point that I couldn’t get a full lung full of air due to the pain and another more sinister thought jumped into my head.  What if this isn’t a stitch at all, what if this pulmonary embolism.  What if for some reason my body had decided that my blood thinning dose isn’t enough.  Or maybe (very very unlikely) I’m pregnant and haven’t realised (if you haven’t read my story on DVT during pregnancy you can do so here).  Fear creeps in like an evil bitch, I can feel tears welling in my eyes as I’m trying to calm myself down… You know it’s a stitch, that’s exactly what this is, you knew that the first instant you felt it, “it’s not the same” I repeated to myself over and over.

Breathe…. I try again to run, but its really just to painful so walk I do.  My rational brain keeping me calm… localized pain, not as general as the clot was, while I’m struggling to get a breath in it doesn’t feel like someone is sitting on my chest, this is also a good thing.

As I managed to get a hold of myself I started to wonder when this fear with leave, when will I stop being scared that I am dying every time it’s a little bit difficult to breath.   Or when will I stop thinking the clots are back when I get a familiar twinge in the back of my knee.   I don’t think I realised how much fear I’m still holding on to even, though you put on a brave face those little doubts still sneak by.Times

I won’t let it stop me running though, ‘no pain no gain’ right?  I do need to research the sh!t out of stitches though and work out how to stop that happening again because it was far worse than a leg cramp!

Just like to add I did 5km in 44 minutes. That is my fastest 5k time even with a stitch from hell!

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